[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.