@HatfieldAnne

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

@HatfieldAnne

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

@HatfieldAnne

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

@HatfieldAnne

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

@HatfieldAnne

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

@HatfieldAnne

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@HatfieldAnne

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

@HatfieldAnne

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

@HatfieldAnne

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.