Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.