There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Stonehinge
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.