You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
getting old is fun
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault