“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids