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how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
they finally got him. they got macavity
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”