My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You Might Also Like
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Effort made
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
buying dead houseplants to save time
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.