Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.