I’m about to risk it all
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
at ease…shoulder.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?