“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.