Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
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As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.