[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
