boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day