[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
me refusing to leave twitter
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Many hands make light work
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.