@Heldinchains

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

@Heldinchains

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@Heldinchains

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

@Heldinchains

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy