My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
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I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Going to church you guys need anything
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!