Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
three things we don’t talk about
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?