When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.