I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.