My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
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very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Girl, same.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.