Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it