@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

@HelloCullen

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

@HelloCullen

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

@HelloCullen

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

@HelloCullen

My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.

@HelloCullen

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

@HelloCullen

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

@HelloCullen

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it