Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
“No way.” -Jose