If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
how to have an accident 101
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!