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Page of HenpeckedHal's best tweets

@HenpeckedHal : Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you're reading this, I can't replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk--still echoing in my soul--serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

@HenpeckedHal: Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she'd been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

@HenpeckedHal: son: "NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!"

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

@HenpeckedHal: me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@HenpeckedHal: Coroner's Report: "Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law."

@HenpeckedHal: under no circumstances will my brother take the L

@HenpeckedHal: me: no, you can't have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?



me: if you don't tell mom I'll give you a popsicle for breakfast

@HenpeckedHal: My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It's one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

@HenpeckedHal: My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

@HenpeckedHal: A good spouse doesn't complain about watching their partner's stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.