interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.