@Henry_3000

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

@Henry_3000

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

@Henry_3000

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

@Henry_3000

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

@Henry_3000

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

@Henry_3000

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

@Henry_3000

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

@Henry_3000

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

@Henry_3000

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

@Henry_3000

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.