@Henry_3000

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

@Henry_3000

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

@Henry_3000

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

@Henry_3000

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

@Henry_3000

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

@Henry_3000

Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.

@Henry_3000

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

@Henry_3000

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

@Henry_3000

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

@Henry_3000

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.