School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.