All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Saw online –
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.