I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit