HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
#Caturday
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator