If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.