“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
This checks out
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
ok like just. call me at this point
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.