Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.