Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.