You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
You Might Also Like
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?