me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.