“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.