[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.