People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.
People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.
Stripping wallpaper is probably the worst of all the stripping.
Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.
The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
I accidentally flushed a public toilet with my hand instead of my foot. I may be dying now.
If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.
If it seems as though I love the dog more than you, kids, well that’s because he doesn’t have homework I need to help him with.
6: Mom, I’m going to be a Navy pilot or a SEAL. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to work at Subway.
It’s all about the backup plan, people.
6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.
It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.