Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread