You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.