[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Somebody call the cops.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me