When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
This kid is going places
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.