Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.