*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
How to draw a duck
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.