Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice
Him: I started taking Prevagen two years ago and my memory’s really improved
Her: You started five years ago
Him: Yeah, five years ago
Her: Want to have sex?
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?
I improve my body image by watching shows with increasingly fatter characters
“Would you like the tuna fish casserole?”
“No thanks, I’ll take the pig ham sandwich”
Samebody just gave me a bag of apples what a jerk
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
Girlfriend and I always got excited about going to a hotel so we could each have our own bed
I’m leaving my body to science but only if they can find it.
I found my people and neither them nor I are happy about it