@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

@Hobo_Splendido

Regardless of the restaurant, I throw the peanut shells on the floor. If they don’t have peanuts I bring my own.

@Hobo_Splendido

Found a half empty bottle of salad dressing in the woods. Not sure how kids party nowadays but I don’t think I can hang.

@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

@Hobo_Splendido

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

@Hobo_Splendido

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application