[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]
Her: my elbows are dry
lady: you can’t do that
me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner
Regardless of the restaurant, I throw the peanut shells on the floor. If they don’t have peanuts I bring my own.
Found a half empty bottle of salad dressing in the woods. Not sure how kids party nowadays but I don’t think I can hang.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.