At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
🙂🐾
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}