dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
incredible book dedication
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop