7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.