Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
me hooking up with my ex
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My dress code is business-casualty.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”